 A few weekends ago, we went to the Chatsworth Christmas market. It's been a while since we have visited a Christmas market, and the Birmingham one is a shadow of its former self, so we thought this might be a good day out. The market was beautiful, and we bought many presents for ourselves, but overall, I found the experience difficult. It's been 10 years since my mother died, and on that trip, all the grief and sadness came back. I missed her and wanted her with us so very, very much. Hubby and I spoke about it on the trip there and back; with a 200-mile round trip, there was time. My Aunt has recently died, and he felt that this had brought back all the loss of my mum. In the end, I took an afternoon off work and tried to do a hard reset on my feelings. By the weekend, I felt more in control, and instead of the grief, I was remembering my mum with positivity. Then, yesterday, our world fell apart. Hubby gets up early to go to work. I make his lunch whilst he gets ready. After that, I go back to bed for an hour or so with the cats. I was just getting out of bed when I got a call from Hubby. His mum has died. I called work, took the day off and today and am trying to just be here for him as he was when my mum died. Christmas is often seen as a time for celebration, joy, and togetherness. For many, it brings images of bustling kitchens, twinkling lights, and the laughter of family and friends. However, for those who are grieving, Christmas can also bring a sharp reminder of the ones who are no longer with us. As I sit here, typing this blog whilst my Husband kills things on his PS5, I’m reminded that grief doesn’t pause for the season. It’s often said that time heals all wounds, but grief has a way of making time stand still. Christmas, with its rich traditions and memories, can feel both comforting and painful. For those who are mourning, the joy of the season can be overshadowed by the absence of loved ones who once filled our homes with their presence. Whether it’s a parent, a grandparent, or a dear friend, the empty chair at the dinner table is felt more keenly during the holiday season.  Image © Melissa Nunns I was trying to understand how grief can still be so dominant years after the loss of a loved one when I came across the concept of grief being like a ball in a box. Grief as a Ball in a Box Grief often lingers long after we wish it would leave. It’s hard to explain to others, and at times, it can be even harder to understand yourself. A way to think about it is through the image of a ball in a box—an analogy that beautifully captures the way grief evolves over time. Imagine that your grief is represented by a large ball inside a box. The box has a button on one side, and every time the ball touches that button, it causes a sharp, painful sensation. In the early days after losing someone dear to you, that ball feels enormous, and the grief presses up against the button constantly, causing waves of pain. Every moment is a reminder, and it can feel as though the weight of the loss is suffocating, leaving little room for anything else. But with time, the ball gradually becomes smaller. While the pain doesn’t vanish, it becomes less frequent, and the moments of sharp intensity grow less often. However, it’s important to remember that the ball never fully disappears. It’s always there, and there may still be times when it hits the button unexpectedly, bringing the same overwhelming wave of sadness. These moments might come in the quietest of times, when you least expect them, especially during the holidays, when memories are closest to the surface. Over time, we learn to live with the ball, to acknowledge its presence without allowing it to take over. Grief becomes part of us, woven into the fabric of who we are, always there but no longer as all-consuming. This process takes time, and Christmas, with its deeply emotional and nostalgic moments, can often feel like a time when the ball is more likely to make contact with that painful button. But understanding that grief is not a linear journey can bring comfort. It reminds us that we don’t need to rush the process or feel guilty for how we’re feeling. Grief is not a destination—it’s a journey. And while the pain may never fully go away, it does become more bearable as time goes on. The Silent Weight of Christmas The holiday season can bring about many emotions. You may feel sadness, anger, or even guilt for not being able to fully embrace the festivities. These feelings are perfectly normal, and it’s important to acknowledge them instead of suppressing them. Grieving at Christmas doesn’t mean you’re not “doing it right”—it simply means you’re allowing yourself to feel the full weight of love and loss. It’s also a time when the world seems to expect happiness and celebration, which can make grief feel more isolating. But it’s essential to remember that grief doesn’t have a set timeline. It doesn’t follow a neat path from sadness to acceptance. Some days, the weight of missing someone can feel heavier than others, and that’s okay. Embracing New Traditions While it’s natural to want to hold onto the traditions that once brought comfort, it’s also okay to create new ones. Grieving at Christmas doesn’t mean you have to give up the traditions you cherish, but perhaps you’ll find solace in adapting them to your current situation. This could be as simple as lighting a candle for your loved one during Christmas dinner or sharing fond memories aloud as a family. If the thought of traditional celebrations feels overwhelming, it’s perfectly acceptable to scale back or even take a break from the festivities. Focus on what brings you peace and comfort, whether that’s spending time with loved ones, taking a quiet walk, or simply reflecting on the memories of Christmases past. Seeking Support
Grief, especially during the holiday season, can make you feel like you’re walking a lonely path. But it’s important to remember that you don’t have to face it alone. If you’re struggling, seeking support can make all the difference. There are numerous resources available to help guide you through this challenging time. The Cruse Bereavement Care website offers guidance on coping with loss, especially during holidays, and they have support services that can provide assistance. Another helpful resource is The Compassionate Friends, an organisation offering support for families who have lost a child, but their advice and community can also help anyone dealing with loss during the holiday season. Remembering the Ones We Love Christmas is a time of remembering, and while the absence of our loved ones can feel overwhelming, it also provides an opportunity to honour their memory. Light a candle in their honour, share stories of their life, or create a small tradition that helps you feel connected to them. As you grieve, know that it’s okay to experience the full range of emotions, and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. In our memories and our hearts, those we have lost remain with us—especially at Christmas. Wishing you peace and comfort this Christmas, in whatever form that may take.
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